Let's Find a Rock
by hitntr01
Summary: A parody if Edward had asked his two 'brothers' to help him do the deed he asked from the Volturri. Perhaps his 'brothers' aren't as close to him as he first thought. THIS IS SUPPOSE TO BE FUNNY, don't take it seriously. swearing/suicide mentioned
1. Let's Find a Rock Oneshot

_Song: Big Ass Rock_

_I don't know who it is by…sorry (but you can find it on youtube)_

_**Please note! This is suppose to be humorous! It is a parody song about suicide- please don't take offense to it in any way. I just heard the other day and thought how funny it would be to have the three guys singing to it. Also- there is swearing as the name implies. Enjoy.**_

_**Title: Let's Find a Rock  
**_

Edward was having Jasper and Emmett walk through the woods with him. He had just found out that Bella died by jumping off of a cliff. He knew they wouldn't go through with it but he had to ask. "You guys know why I brought you here."

"Bella's dead." Jasper said. Everyone was saddened by that, they all knew it to be the truth.

Edward nodded, "I need to ask you guys a favor."

Emmett shook his head, "You know we can't do that." He said. Living with someone for this long- you know what they are going to ask.

"If you don't then I will find a way myself." Edward said.

"We can't."

"Then I am going to find a different way." He said walking off.

Emmett thought about the options then stopped Edward, "I have an idea!"

"_**Let's find a rock!"**_

He turned to Jasper with a huge smile as he put his arms out to prove his point,

"_**I mean a big-ass rock"**_

He thought it about it even harder then came up with a better idea,

"_**Or maybe something like  
A cinder block is better  
I'll hoist it up  
And drop it on your face, my buddy  
And just before the lights go out  
You'll see my smile and you'll know  
You've got a friend  
With a rock  
Who cares  
I mean a big-ass rock"**_

Emmett nodded, yeah that could work._**  
**_

Jasper thought about it for a second and shook his head; he had a better idea,

"_**Or rope!  
I got some quality rope  
Made for a man who's devoid of hope  
Like you are, **_

_**my buddy, Michael."  
**_

Edward looked worried at how much thought they were putting into this,

"_**Unh, that's Edward."  
**_

Jasper nodded his head,

"_**Edward. Right!  
And I won't leave you swinging there,  
Twitching like a fish while you claw the air.  
I'll grab your feet  
And pal o' mine  
I'll pull real hard  
And snap your spinal cord!"**_

Jasper made over dramatic motions to prove his point to pulling on him. Edward backed away; he didn't think they would go for it.__

Emmett wrapped his arms around Edward when he realized Edward was trying to run,

"_**The world is cold when you're alone and they ignore you  
But don't kill yourself"  
**_

Jasper came over and put an arm around Edward's other shoulder,

"_**We'll do it for you,  
You've got a friend!"  
**_

Jasper then looked frustrated and looked toward Edward which meant he had a story for him,

"_**You know, I asked a guy once if he'd mind putting me in a barrel  
and sending me over the falls.  
You know what the son of a bitch said?"**_

Emmett looked over at Jasper, "What?"

Jasper growled before saying, "He said,

"_**"Drop dead, asshole.""  
**_

Emmett looked upset from the words as Edward kept trying to back off from them but Emmett kept a good grip on him,

"_**People are pricks. I asked this guy to take his air compressor  
and drill me with a six-inch nail right through the eye..."**_

_  
_Jasper looked at him flustered,

"_**What'd he say?"**_

_  
_Emmett sighed and shook his head,

_**"I'm low on nails."**_

_  
_Emmett growled, making his grip tighter on Edward. Jasper was flustered from his words,

"_**People are selfish pricks."  
**_

Jasper finally remembered another good story he had,

"_**Another time, now get this,  
I just lay down in front of a steam roller and asked the guy just to proceed,  
you know, business as usual, and just squash me like a bug."**_

_  
_Emmett smiled,

"_**That's a good way to go, Jazz, the ol' bug squash.  
We could tie a plastic laundry bag over his head!"  
**_

Jasper shook his head,

"_**Naw, that's such a wimp suicide."  
**_

Edward thought he caught onto their joke as he said,

"_**I stuck my finger in a socket once. It hurt real bad...but it didn't kill me."**_

_  
_Emmett hung his head low and shook it,

"_**Edward, stay out of this."**_

_  
_Edward looked concerned, then smiled,

"_**I've got a friend  
Like Carole King  
Or was it Carly Simon  
Used to sing?  
I always get those two confused  
But anyway -  
I turned around  
And suddenly  
I'm not alone  
It ain't just me  
I'm like a player on the team  
I'm part of the gang...  
A member of the club!"**_

Emmett and Jasper came up to him and put their hands on his shoulder,

"_**Player on our team  
Part of the gang  
Welcome to the club!"**_

_  
_Jasper then got an idea, he looked over at Emmett,

"_**Oo ... let's get a club!"  
**_

Emmett sighed,

"_**I like the big-ass rock"**_

_  
_Jasper then swung his hands, Edward had to duck his head to not get hit,

"_**Naw, one good swing and  
I'll clean his clock forever"**_

_  
_Jasper smiled,

"_**Let gravity do the work!"**___

Emmett then turned to Edward,

"_**It's a man's way to die, Mikey."  
**_

Edward got mad, they could at least get his name right,

"_**Edward!**_

_**I got friends!"**___

Emmett and Jasper wrapped their arms around Edward_._

"_**Friends who will  
Love you like a maniac  
And lead you like a lamb  
To the railroad track  
And tie you down.  
Or tickle your wrist  
With a single-edge razor.  
Or buy you a beer with  
A Draino chaser.  
Or dump you in the  
River with a rock**__"_

Emmett smiled,

"_**A big-ass rock!"**___

Jasper smiled and went over to a big boulder that was near the clearing_,_

"_**Here's a nice one right over here!"**___

Emmett went over to Jasper who was picking it up_._

"_**Can I give you a hand with that? It looks heavy."**___

Jasper shook his head, bringing it over to Edward,

"_**No Em  
It ain't heavy...he's my friend"**_

Edward backed away from the rock that was coming at him, that was the last thing he rememberedbefore blanking out and waking up at the house.

_**In case you didn't read the top- this was to be meant as a joke. No serious parts in here. So please don't freak out at me.**_

_**Seeing what I get for reviews, I might make another song parody later on here.**_


	2. Sucks to be Me Oneshot

**Song: Sucks to be Me**

**Artist: Avenue Q**

_**Summary: Almost sixteen years after the Twilight saga is over and there are no longer fans that care about the saga, what are the characters up too? Let's find out. **_

_Title: Sucks to be Us_

Leah walked toward a stream where she came upon an older Jacob as she sat next to him. He looked really down, she smiled and said,

"**Morning, Jacob!"**

Jacob didn't look toward her, he just said,

"**Hi, Leah."**

She knew something was bugging him,

"**How's life?"**

Jacob sighed where should he start?

"**Disappointing!"**

Leah tried to sound concerned with him,

"**What's the matter?"**

Jacob growled then turned to Leah,

"**The catering company laid me off."**

The catering company was his only means of income, granted his fiancé was daughter to the rich Cullens but he hated getting money from the leeches, she couldn't blame him.

"**Oh, I'm sorry!"**

Jacob looked angry,

"**Me too! I mean, look at me!  
I'm ten years out of college, and I always thought…"**

He stopped talking and threw a rock into the stream.****

Leah tried to urge him to go on,

"**What?"**

Jacob shook his head no as he ran his hand through his hair.

"**No, it sounds stupid."**

Leah smiled knowing he wanted to tell her,

"**Aww, come on!"**

Jacob turned to her she was going to keep on insisting so he might as well tell her,

"**When I was little I thought I would be..."**

It sound so stupid he stopped himself from talking.****

Leah tried to urge him on,

"**What?"**

Jacob smiled and then finally he said it,

"**A big comedian on late night TV."**

Leah had to chuckle, this couldn't get any better. Jacob a comedian?

Jacob kicked a tree,

"**But now I'm thirty-two and as you can see,  
I'm not."**

Leah shook her head,

"**Nope!"**

Jacob shrugged his shoulders,

"**Oh Well,  
It sucks to be me."  
**

She didn't think his life was that bad,

"**Nooo."**

Jacob made his pockets go inside out,

"**It sucks to be broke  
and unemployed  
and turning thirty-three.  
It sucks to be me."**

Leah quirked an eyebrow at him,

"**Oh, you think your life sucks?"**

Jacob nodded,

"**I think so."**

Leah shook her head,

"**Your problems aren't so bad!  
I'm kinda pretty  
And pretty damn smart."**

Jacob nodded,

"**You are."  
**

Leah smiled at that,

"**Thanks!  
I like romantic things like music and art.  
And as you know I have a gigantic heart  
So why don't I have A boyfriend?  
Fuck!  
It sucks to be me!"  
**

"**Me too.  
It sucks to be me.  
It sucks to be Jacob..."  
**

"**And Leah..."  
**

"**To not have a job!"**

"**To not have a date!"**

They turned to each other saying in unison.

"**It sucks to be me."**

They heard Emmett and Jasper come their way as Jacob called out to them,

"**Hey, Emmett, Jasper, can you settle something for us?  
Do you have a second?"**

The two looked over their way. The Cullens and wolves had become better friends thanks to Renesmee and Jacob. Jasper came over**,**

"**Ah, certainly."**

Leah crossed her arms,

"**Whose life sucks more?  
Jacob's or mine?"**

Jasper and Emmett crossed their arms glaring at each other, saying in unison

"**Ours!"**

Jasper sighed,

"**We live together."**

Emmett said,

"**We're as close as people can get."**

Jasper punched Emmett, making Emmett rub his shoulder.

"**We've been the best of buddies..."**

Emmett punched him back, although a bit harder, making him fly into a tree.

"**Ever since the day we met."**

Jasper growled as he stood back up brushing himself off, he quickly made his way into Emmett's face.

"**So he knows lots ff ways to make me really upset.  
Oh, every day is an aggravation."  
**  
Emmett looked upset,

"**Come on, that's an exaggeration!"**

Jasper sighed,

"**You leave your clothes out.  
You put your feet on my chair."**

Emmett then yelled,

"**Oh yeah?  
You do such anal things**

**Like ironing your underwear."**

Jacob and Leah had to hold in a snicker at that. ****

Jasper went right into Emmett's face again,

"**You make that very small house we share a hell."**

Emmett glared right into Jasper's eyes,

"**So do you, and that's why I'm in hell too!"  
**

Jasper turned around practically pulling his hair out,

"**It sucks to be me!"**

Emmett then yelled,

"**No, it sucks to be me!"**

Lean disagreed,

"**It sucks to be me!"**

Jacob then had to say.

"**It sucks to be me!"**

All four looked at each other before asking,

"**Is there anybody here it doesn't suck to be?  
It sucks to be me!"**

They started to laugh at the irony of their lives. Enemies talking about whose lives suck more. It couldn't get much better than this.****

Nessie came through the woods looking at the four smiling and laughing,

"**Why you all so happy?"**

Emmett then said,

"**Because our lives suck!"**

Nessie laughed,

"**Your lives suck?  
I hearing you correctly? Ha!  
I coming to this country for opportunities.  
Tried to work in ****Quillete**** deli but I am a ****Cullen****.  
But with hard work I earn two Master's Degrees in social work!  
And now I'm a therapist!  
But I have no clients and I have an unemployed fiance'!  
And we have lots of bills to pay!  
It suck to be me!  
I say it  
Sucka-Sucka-Sucka-Sucka-  
Sucka-Sucka-Sucka-Sucka-  
Sucka-Sucka-Sucka-Suck!  
It suck to be me!"**

A vampire from a different coven came up behind them,

"**Excuse me?"**

They all turned around, Emmett spoke,

"**Hey there."**

The man looked worried as he held out a piece of paper,

"**Sorry to bother you, but I'm  
looking for a place to live."**

Nessie looked at him confused,

"**Why you looking all the way out here?"**

The man went on to explain,

"**Well, I started at Avenue A, but so far everything is out  
of my price range. But this neighborhood looks a lot cheaper!  
Oh, and look - a "For Rent" sign!"**

Jacob nodded,

"**You need to talk to the superintendent.  
Let me get him."  
**

The man looked excited,

"**Great, thanks!"**

Jacob sucked in a deep breath before yelling,

"**Yo, Eddie!"**

They heard Edward from inside the house yelling,

"**I'm comin'! I'm comin'!"**

The man dropped his paper when he saw Edward come out.

"**Oh my God!  
It's Edward Cullen!"**

Edward nodded,

"**Yes, I am!  
I'm Edward Cullen from the movie saga****,  
****Twilight I made a lotta money that got stolen by my wife!  
Now I'm broke and I'm the butt of everyone's jokes, but I'm here -  
The Superintendent!  
On Avenue Q"**

Everyone looked to each other then nodded and spoke in unison,

"**It sucks to be you."**

Leah nodded her head,

"**You win!"**

They laughed and pointed to Edward

"**It sucks to be you."**

Jacob smiled, putting an arm around Nessie,

"**I feel better now!"**

Edward crossed his arms,

"**Try having people  
stopping you to tell you  
"You are my life now,"  
It. Gets. Old."**

Everyone laughed, pointing at him,

"**It sucks to be you  
On Avenue Q"**

Edward nodded,

"**Sucks to be me  
On Avenue Q"**

Everyone said,

"**Sucks to be you  
Sucks to be us  
But not when we're together.  
We're together here on Avenue Q!  
We live on Avenue Q!  
Our friends do too!  
'Til our dreams come true,  
We live on Avenue Q!"**

Jacob put an arm around kid's shoulders,

"**This is real life!"**

Jasper put an arm around the other kid's shoulder,

"**You're gonna love it!"**

Edward hand him the keys**, **to the new apartment

"**Here's your keys!"**

Everyone surrounded the new kid,

"**Welcome to Avenue Q!"**

The new kid laughed nervously, what did he get himself into now? Yeah the characters of Twilight had gone crazy.

_**Hope you liked it, I changed a few words around in here in hopes to make it more closer to Twilight. **_

_**The part where I have Edward say something about "Try having people stopping you to tell you, "You are my life now."" Is a joke between my cousin and I, after reading that part in the book, we thought it was hilarious and now whenever we write a letter to each other or text each other, we always right, "you are my life now" at the end…or "Let's go eat some people!" which is from the youtube video, 'How Twilight should have ended' Either way, if someone read our txts, they would probably think we were freaks.**_

_**Please review! I am going to write several oneshots with hilarious song parodies.**_


End file.
